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Journal

{The 4th Trimester}

20 August, 2015 |

When the moment where you've just brought life into this world for the second time, and are now facing your own mortality arises, fear is so tangible you can cut it with a knife. The room deafens, faces change, and husbands crumble.

{39+5 weeks}

20 August, 2015 |

"Time is an old firmly rooted tree; we are the breeze rustling its leaves." ~Terri Guillemets

My Mother She Taught Me

11 November, 2014 |

"If a Mother's success is to be measured by whether she teaches her child that he or she can do whatever they put their minds to, she is a triumphant Mother." My Mother

32+5 weeks- Stength, Where The Light Shines The Brightest

11 November, 2014 |

To recognize the good that surrounds me, and that the life I carry, no matter how hard it is at times, is a precious gift from God.


31+5 weeks- I Know You

11 November, 2014 |

In the end, I will follow you, I will take my time, breath, and ease you into this world. A birth of the soul heart and mind. In the end, we'll gaze at one another, I'll know you, and you will know me...I'm your mama, and you are mine forever.

Saying Yes- Yes To The Mess

29 September, 2014 |

Screen shot 2014-09-29 at 12.30.17 PM

Screen shot 2014-09-29 at 12.30.17 PM

We went to the grand opening of a local women's health/birthing center to support my husband over the weekend. Of course I wanted Elly to look her best, but donkey rides, sidewalk chalk, fried pickles, bounce houses, and sticky treats had other ideas. The desire to pick her up and dust her off every five seconds was very real...but watching her enjoy life to the fullest, running around with other children, wrapped in laughter made me take pause. What is childhood without green knees from freshly cut grass, or sticky remnants of bright red Popsicles stuck to their cheeks? They don't care about their new shoes, or keeping up appearances. Life is there simply to be LIVED! So I said yes to the mess, yes to making her childhood everything it should be, yes to living, I mean really living. Because you only get one childhood and she deserves nothing less.


This Moment

29 September, 2014 |

Screen shot 2014-09-29 at 12.28.56 PM

Screen shot 2014-09-29 at 12.28.56 PM

...In a moment, the tears, the sleepless nights, the doubt, the "am I a good mother?", the tantrums, all my frustrations, the "hard" part of motherhood, is washed away. All that's left is the beauty, the enchanting, spellbinding beauty of this moment.

29+4 weeks - Any Price

22 September, 2014 |

Screen shot 2014-09-22 at 2.36.56 PM

Screen shot 2014-09-22 at 2.36.56 PM

{With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood. ~Isadora Duncan} And so the hard part begins. I was hoping to skip this part, since the rest of my pregnancy has been a cool breeze, compared to when I carried Elly, but here I am. Prodromal labor/irritable uterus, call it what you may, ten weeks of REAL contractions will test the will power of any mother. When I carried Elly, I thought my body was failing me, I cursed those last weeks, praying, wishing it would all just be over. This is where pregnancy became work, this is where I wanted to quit, this is where I question my ability as a women to carry life.

I know now that it's just me, it's the way I carry my children into this world. So here we go, I have to believe it'll be easier this time around, for my sanity, for my peace of mind. I know the reward that waits for me at the end of this and for you my sweet child I would pay any price.


forgivness

22 September, 2014 |

Screen shot 2014-09-22 at 2.32.38 PM

{To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes}

Forgiveness is not only something we should show others, we must also learn how to forgive ourselves. Just as He has forgiven us, time and time again. Motherhood, parenthood for that matter, with all it's blessings will test the very fibers of your being. It can unravel you like thread on a spool, and bring you to your breaking point.

We all have moments where we fail, or rather flail at parenting, moments where we'd like to lock ourselves in a closet and just cry by ourselves for a moment. Some days I lay in bed thinking, "man, I rocked this parenting thing today!" While others I lay defeated, desperately attempting to get a rambunctious toddler to sleep, watching as the minutes and hours tic away, dreading the rising sun.

Dawn, it brings with it new beginnings, a fresh start, a new day, a chance to rock the heck out of this parenting gig. Forgive yourself for yesterday, because well, today is a blessing, it's brand new day

love

22 September, 2014 |

Screen shot 2014-09-22 at 2.29.58 PM

{To a father growing old nothing is dearer than a daughter. ~Euripides}

I fell in love with this man when I was 16 years old...And the day he kissed me as we stood at the top of a mountain in Muir Woods...And the day he asked me to marry him...And the day we danced in front of family and friends at our wedding... And the day his face lit up when I told him we were expecting our first child...And the day our daughter was born and he melted into tears of joy, telling me she was perfect...Just as I fell in love with him today as he rocked our daughter to sleep. I plan on falling in love with this man for the rest of my life.


A collection of tiny things

22 September, 2014 |

Screen shot 2014-09-22 at 2.29.04 PM Remembering the gentle newness of a newborn, the way their toes curl wildly, the way they tuck their legs so closely to themselves, the way they smell of sweet sweet milk, and the delicious tiny sounds they make. Was it so long ago that I first held my daughter in my arms? Reveling in all that was her, all that was me, and all that was my husband. Was it so long ago that I was afraid to change her clothes for fear of making her the slightest bit uncomfortable? Was it so long ago that I held the world, and thought that it couldn't get any better than this? Fond memories surrounding me like mist, preparing me once again for new life.

Life, flying past me at a blistering pace, hardly giving me a moments pause to daydream of what's to come, or to prepare fully for life again with a newborn. This is not my first, there is no massive buying spree, no classes to take, no furniture to paint, only the unwrapping of bassinets, and baby swings. So when these precious little things arrived today and that same giddy, nervous, excited feeling came flooding back I took pause. With them came thoughts of who this little person growing inside me will be, thoughts of love and labor, tears and joy. Images of placing these tiny booties on even tinier feet for the first time, caused my heart to swell and my eyes to fill with tears. Just for a moment, in the craziness of life while raising a toddler I had my moment, the one that ties you ever so closely to the one you've yet to meet.

27+4 Weeks

04 September, 2014 |

The beginning of the 3rd trimester, the last stretch (literally). I find myself looking for balance, as much as I'd like to lay down, there's a little toddler running around who needs me. This is the first time when I've had to say no to picking her up at times, and distract her with something else, or ask my husband to take her up the stairs. Guilt piles up and I find myself doing to much physically, leaving my belly tight and tired at the end of the day. Looking back on moments where my patience ran thin, and got the best of me. In my search for balance I've found myself growing as mother, while some days run smoothly, some days I still feel defeated.

The definition of being a "good" mom I've realized does not mean you take on anything and everything until you're rung dry at the end of the day, though sometimes that feeling is bound to happen. I've learned in order to be a good mom I have to grow and change the way I parent along with my expanding belly. I'm not only raising a child I am growing one too, and this little babe needs me to be gentle with myself.

It's funny, just when you think you nailed it, that you've got this parenting thing down, life reminds you that it truly is like a flowing river. It will not always run smooth, there will be rocks and rapids. In order not to drown, we must learn when and how to paddle, and when to lean back and look at the clouds.