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Journal

26 weeks

31 August, 2014 |

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photo 2 My feet have officially disappeared, the waddle is in full force, rolling over in bed has turned into a contact sport, things that drop on the floor will probably stay there, my butt is as big as my belly (awkward), and I'm at that point where you think, "how can I get any bigger?" and then you do. On the plus side, the belly makes a fantastic table for my bowl of ice cream. Mmm ice cream...

carpe diem

31 August, 2014 |

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photo 1{In giving birth to our babies, we may find that we give birth to new possibilities within ourselves. ~Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn} I used to be shy, though if you ask other people they would probably say different. Mine was an inner shyness, there were things I wanted to do, spontaneous things, little things, but I would get in the way of my self. I'd end up harboring that feeling of disappointment, it would eat away at me like a nagging mosquito, why didn't I do "it," what was stopping me?

I believe giving birth gives you a second chance to do those things you've always wanted to do, no matter how small. The "what if's" in your life can be erased. How can I tell my children to soar, to run full out towards their dreams and ambitions if I can't even reach for the small things.

How can I teach my children that it's ok to be silly, and wildly spontaneous at times, if I don't first show them that it's ok? Like most people I avoid embarrassment at all costs. So today, while driving down a sleepy road with my family, staring at the golden light dancing across a field wishing I could run through it, if only for a moment. Just so I could feel the earth under my feet and soak up the last warmth of the setting sun. Hot with embarrassment, too nervous to ask my mom to pull over, I did.

Life is not a movie, perfectly scripted, decorated, and manicured to perfection...but life is also not a dress rehearsal. So seize the day and run through your field, wherever that may be.


I'll be here when you wake.

22 August, 2014 |

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Processed with VSCOcam with x1 preset {It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard}

Oh the places you'll go, the people you'll meet, the adventures you'll take, the love you'll share, the lives you'll touch. Your future, poised at your finger tips, brimming with possibilities.

Know this, from the moment I met you, so quiet and lovely, I knew I had gleamed a bit of heaven, that my life would forever truly be full. You are the adventure I didn't know existed, the trip of a lifetime, an experience like no other. You are the product of young love that traveled for eleven years in order to make it back to each other. My whole world, our love, wrapped up in the creases of your hands, in the dimple on your cheek, and in sparkles in your eyes. You have touched my life like only a child could, innocent and pure, you breathed life into these once stale lungs.

This is why, my dear, mothers stare at their children, this is why when you sleep, I sometimes can't bear to let you go.

A child to remind me.

20 August, 2014 |

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photo{A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. ~Isadora James} These last few days have been hard. I'm not the one to slow down, but oh how pregnancy reminded me that sometimes in order to grow this new baby, I need to sit my busy self down. So here I sit, with a cold that won't quit, my hairs a mess, my clothes...we won't go there, with a list of a million things I need to do before this bundle arrives swimming through my head. I've done nothing to prepare, by this time last pregnancy I had painted furniture, moved, put an entire nursery together, I probably had my hospital bag packed like a crazy lady, but then again that's how most first pregnancies go. Second pregnancies...not so much, can I get an extra month please?

As I sat, deep in my self loathing and feeling pretty sorry for myself, wondering how I'm going to do it all. This child, this wonderful little child of mine comes over, lifts up my shirt and exclaimed "Da Beeebee, muuh bebe!" In between rapid fire kisses (hence her blurry face). Reminding me yet again (because I apparently didn't remember the first time) that everything will fall into place, that everyone's fed and happy and right now that is enough.

 


why choose love?

18 August, 2014 |

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image {Why choose love? Why choose patience? Why choose compassion? When life throws you so many opportunities to choose hate, anger, and jealousy.}

Today choose compassion, because even though someone may not show it to you, you just might be the compassionate light that someone desperately needed that day. The reminder that we are all in this together. That it's ok, that every day is not perfect. Who's to say you can't make the best out of the hand thats been dealt. Choose compassion because it's contagious, like laughter.

Today choose patience, not because it's easy, but because there are two little pairs of eyes looking up at you, searching for guidance.

Today choose love, because love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, rude or self seeking, it is not easily angered, and keeps no records of wrongs. Love never fails! It reminds each and every one of us that we are precious, it's like magic, it reaches into your soul and changes you in the most profound ways.

24+6 Weeks

16 August, 2014 |

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{24+6 Weeks}The gradual expansion of life, a widening of body, heart, and soul. Every space filled, buzzing with expectant life.

Entering the stage of pregnancy where sweet kicks have begun to take their toll on my already aching body. Sleep has become a game of Tetris, (where can I shove this pillow in order to make myself comfortable). Space is quickly fading, heartburn is seeping in, and Braxton hicks has reared it's ugly head.

In order to give life, we must expand... expand our lives, our patients, our hearts, and our time, not just our bodies. Though it's fitting our bodies must first expand, making way for the overwhelming amount of love and light that will simultaneously fill those once aching spaces when life arrives. A beautifully slow lesson in live and let be.


Confidence while pregnant

13 August, 2014 |

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Photo Aug 06, 9 29 45 PM 23+3 weeks {Let us make pregnancy an occasion when we appreciate our female bodies. ~Merete Leonhardt-Lupa}

I struggled with loving my body during my last pregnancy. I clearly remember staring at my expanding body in the mirror with tears in my eyes. The sad truth was most of my poor body image issues were projected onto me by other mamas who told me that I would never be the same again, and to say goodbye to the body I knew. Their horror stories and traumatic births left me terrified and depressed. I never embraced my new growing self fully. It wasn't until I gave birth to my daughter that I finally appreciated the truly miraculous feat my body had preformed. Staring down at the child I had a hand in creating and now nourished with my own body, was nothing short of a miracle, with her arrival came a confidence I had never known. I was determined to go through this pregnancy differently, to love myself no matter what, to embrace this special time in my life, because I want my daughter to always love herself, through every phase of life.

23 Weeks

13 August, 2014 |

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Photo Aug 05, 9 20 55 PM {23+1 weeks • & A Babymoon} Escaping to an Island is nothing new for me, though it's usually to Tortola where my father grew up, and where family surrounds me. Instead we decided to go somewhere new, since bringing another child into this world will be entirely something new. The beauty here is breathtaking, and watching my little family enjoy it makes it all the more sweet.I've found a strength within myself here that I never found while pregnant with Elly.

They say with age comes wisdom, and though I find that to be true, I've found wisdom in carrying a child, a comfort in my own growing skin, and a new found respect for what my body can do. On an Island, with mountains at your back and water on all sides, your choices are limited, as with giving birth. Not pushing is not an option, pain is inevitable, the unknown just beyond the horizon.

Being here has let me face real fears I have about giving birth this time around, maybe it's because I know the waves (who am I kidding) wall of sheer pain I must face again, maybe it's because I've done it before, maybe it's because I had a successful and beautiful birth... Or maybe it's because both of my grandmothers died birthing their children. Placing these fears in Gods loving hands is all I can do, trusting the process and my body is all I can do.

 


22 Weeks

13 August, 2014 |

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Processed with VSCOcam with b1 preset {22+3 Weeks • Rooted} I've grown roots, not physical roots of course, but a rootedness to the earth, to myself, and to my unborn child. It happened unknowingly during my last pregnancy I'm sure, but I was too busy preparing in every way imaginable that I clearly must have missed it. Early pregnancy for me is like a freshly potted plant, roots frayed and wild, reaching out for soil that is unsteady and loose, instead I reach for the closeness of others, mostly my husband. He could not come home from work soon enough, I followed him around like a lost puppy needing attention. Any room he was in I had to be, I'm sure it drove him nuts though I'll never know it, because he was there with arms wide open.

Then just like that, my roots finally take hold, grounding me, and I crave space and solitude. Every step I take leaves behind a tangible warmth, proof of my existence. I find comfort in the quiet of being alone, most evenings spent sitting on the porch as the last rays of light flee, peacefully greeting the night, while I thankfully reminisce about the day, and contemplate the future. All the while joyfully aware of the tiny being resting just beneath my skin. For me, a person who has searched all their life for this indescribable feeling, on top of mountains, down rivers, off the beaten path, and to finally find 'it' within myself, is the greatest blessing I could have ever hoped for.

21+2 Weeks

13 August, 2014 |

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photo {Pregnant women! They had that weird frisson, an aura of magic that combined awkwardly with an earthy sense of duty. Mundane, because they were nothing unique on the suburban streets; ethereal because their attention was ever somewhere else, and they had that preciousness which they imposed wherever they went, compelling attention, constantly reminding you that they carried the future inside, its contours already drawn, but veiled, private, an inner secret. ~Ruth Morgan} 21+4 weeks • That strange feeling of distance, from anything and everything around me that pregnancy sometimes brings. Moments feel like a lifetime, tears flow freely, and emotions are worn on your sleeve. A precious time when you are totally woman...mother.


21 Weeks

13 August, 2014 |

photo {21 weeks, To be pregnant is to be vitally alive, thoroughly woman, and distressingly inhabited. Soul and spirit are stretched - along with body - making pregnancy a time of transition, growth, and profound beginnings. ~Anne Christian Buchanan} Starting to come into the fullness of pregnancy. My feet are slowly disappearing, sandals are getting harder to buckle, and so are pants. What once were slight flutters and taps have become stronger kicks and rolls. I cannot believe the speed at which the weeks are flying by, bringing me closer and closer to meeting my sweet babe. Bonus* I've started quite the love affair with chocolate covered honeycomb, maybe that's why I can no longer button my pants...

The sweetest kisses

13 August, 2014 |

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Processed with VSCOcam with f3 preset I just can't get enough kisses from this sweet girl! When she was smaller we would try to give her a kiss and she would turn and laugh (broke my little mama heart). Lately at night, right before she falls asleep E has started to give me tons and tons of kisses, some with her eyes half closed, it's one of my favorite moments of the day.