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Noctuary

Noctuary

noc·​tu·​ary (n.) a record of what passes in the night; an account kept of the events or thought...
A Year in Review

A Year in Review

I have never done a year in review, mostly because the last few years I wanted to forget entirel...
The Eternal Countdown

The Eternal Countdown

That longing for moments to stay resulted in me clinging tightly to those precious moments I knew would eventually come to an end. It’s changed the way I look at life, now I go all in, whatever it is, I'm right there, present, deep in the experience. Carpe Diem, it's something that I work at every day without fail, I acknowledge those heavyhearted feelings and then pack them away so I can fully immerse myself in my life.

Accepting The Things I Cannot Control

Accepting The Things I Cannot Control

I thought there would be rainbows,

I thought the storm had passed,

that the clouds were clearing.

I wrap my arms around myself tighter, my breath clouds the air,

I remind myself that it’s just weather,

it’s all just weather,

the sun will rise again.

Of Butterflies & Men

Of Butterflies & Men

The sky began to warm with spirit of the morning as I drove the rest of winding road home, quiet and alone I smiled, through the tears and the pain and the uncertainty, I smiled, they had made it, my monarchs.

A Few of My Favorite Things

A Few of My Favorite Things

  It's Friday ya'll! Do you guys have anything fun planned for the weekend? I'm dying to get out ...
Stay

Stay

A mother’s arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them. ~Victor Hugo
Going home.

Going home.

There's a restlessness that stirs. A longing for a life slower than the current pace my feet have chosen. A yearning to dig my toes into the sand, as I watch as my children run free into the calm waters surrounding the Island that harbors my father's youth.
Time- It's A Funny Thing

Time- It's A Funny Thing

Time, you are a funny thing, you trespass gradually, and in a way, all at once. Clever...very clever.

Remember When Fifteen Minutes Seemed Like A Lifetime?

Remember When Fifteen Minutes Seemed Like A Lifetime?

Remember when you were a child and fifteen minutes seemed like a lifetime? It was as if you could pack the span of a day into those nine hundred seconds.

Me

Me

So I smiled, flipped my hair, and took a picture. So when I'm lost in the forest of motherhood, hidden under the laundry, the dishes, and the everyday routine, I can look at this picture and remember...I'm still me, the same crazy girl taking a selfie in the mirror.

Night Fell

Night Fell

"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day." ~Vincent Van Gogh
Rain- A Journey Through Postpartum

Rain- A Journey Through Postpartum

There will be time for tears, I will wobble, I will have my moments...but not here, not in this space. Because today unlike the days I've brought life to this earth, this rain...this rain is for me.

{The 4th Trimester}

{The 4th Trimester}

When the moment where you've just brought life into this world for the second time, and are now facing your own mortality arises, fear is so tangible you can cut it with a knife. The room deafens, faces change, and husbands crumble.

{39+5 weeks}

{39+5 weeks}

"Time is an old firmly rooted tree; we are the breeze rustling its leaves." ~Terri Guillemets
My Mother She Taught Me

My Mother She Taught Me

"If a Mother's success is to be measured by whether she teaches her child that he or she can do whatever they put their minds to, she is a triumphant Mother." My Mother

32+5 weeks- Stength, Where The Light Shines The Brightest

32+5 weeks- Stength, Where The Light Shines The Brightest

To recognize the good that surrounds me, and that the life I carry, no matter how hard it is at times, is a precious gift from God.

31+5 weeks- I Know You

31+5 weeks- I Know You

In the end, I will follow you, I will take my time, breath, and ease you into this world. A birth of the soul heart and mind. In the end, we'll gaze at one another, I'll know you, and you will know me...I'm your mama, and you are mine forever.

Saying Yes- Yes To The Mess

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Screen shot 2014-09-29 at 12.30.17 PM

We went to the grand opening of a local women's health/birthing center to support my husband over the weekend. Of course I wanted Elly to look her best, but donkey rides, sidewalk chalk, fried pickles, bounce houses, and sticky treats had other ideas. The desire to pick her up and dust her off every five seconds was very real...but watching her enjoy life to the fullest, running around with other children, wrapped in laughter made me take pause. What is childhood without green knees from freshly cut grass, or sticky remnants of bright red Popsicles stuck to their cheeks? They don't care about their new shoes, or keeping up appearances. Life is there simply to be LIVED! So I said yes to the mess, yes to making her childhood everything it should be, yes to living, I mean really living. Because you only get one childhood and she deserves nothing less.

This Moment

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Screen shot 2014-09-29 at 12.28.56 PM

...In a moment, the tears, the sleepless nights, the doubt, the "am I a good mother?", the tantrums, all my frustrations, the "hard" part of motherhood, is washed away. All that's left is the beauty, the enchanting, spellbinding beauty of this moment.

29+4 weeks - Any Price

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Screen shot 2014-09-22 at 2.36.56 PM

{With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood. ~Isadora Duncan} And so the hard part begins. I was hoping to skip this part, since the rest of my pregnancy has been a cool breeze, compared to when I carried Elly, but here I am. Prodromal labor/irritable uterus, call it what you may, ten weeks of REAL contractions will test the will power of any mother. When I carried Elly, I thought my body was failing me, I cursed those last weeks, praying, wishing it would all just be over. This is where pregnancy became work, this is where I wanted to quit, this is where I question my ability as a women to carry life.

I know now that it's just me, it's the way I carry my children into this world. So here we go, I have to believe it'll be easier this time around, for my sanity, for my peace of mind. I know the reward that waits for me at the end of this and for you my sweet child I would pay any price.

forgivness

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{To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes}

Forgiveness is not only something we should show others, we must also learn how to forgive ourselves. Just as He has forgiven us, time and time again. Motherhood, parenthood for that matter, with all it's blessings will test the very fibers of your being. It can unravel you like thread on a spool, and bring you to your breaking point.

We all have moments where we fail, or rather flail at parenting, moments where we'd like to lock ourselves in a closet and just cry by ourselves for a moment. Some days I lay in bed thinking, "man, I rocked this parenting thing today!" While others I lay defeated, desperately attempting to get a rambunctious toddler to sleep, watching as the minutes and hours tic away, dreading the rising sun.

Dawn, it brings with it new beginnings, a fresh start, a new day, a chance to rock the heck out of this parenting gig. Forgive yourself for yesterday, because well, today is a blessing, it's brand new day

love

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{To a father growing old nothing is dearer than a daughter. ~Euripides}

I fell in love with this man when I was 16 years old...And the day he kissed me as we stood at the top of a mountain in Muir Woods...And the day he asked me to marry him...And the day we danced in front of family and friends at our wedding... And the day his face lit up when I told him we were expecting our first child...And the day our daughter was born and he melted into tears of joy, telling me she was perfect...Just as I fell in love with him today as he rocked our daughter to sleep. I plan on falling in love with this man for the rest of my life.

A collection of tiny things

Screen shot 2014-09-22 at 2.29.04 PM Remembering the gentle newness of a newborn, the way their toes curl wildly, the way they tuck their legs so closely to themselves, the way they smell of sweet sweet milk, and the delicious tiny sounds they make. Was it so long ago that I first held my daughter in my arms? Reveling in all that was her, all that was me, and all that was my husband. Was it so long ago that I was afraid to change her clothes for fear of making her the slightest bit uncomfortable? Was it so long ago that I held the world, and thought that it couldn't get any better than this? Fond memories surrounding me like mist, preparing me once again for new life.

Life, flying past me at a blistering pace, hardly giving me a moments pause to daydream of what's to come, or to prepare fully for life again with a newborn. This is not my first, there is no massive buying spree, no classes to take, no furniture to paint, only the unwrapping of bassinets, and baby swings. So when these precious little things arrived today and that same giddy, nervous, excited feeling came flooding back I took pause. With them came thoughts of who this little person growing inside me will be, thoughts of love and labor, tears and joy. Images of placing these tiny booties on even tinier feet for the first time, caused my heart to swell and my eyes to fill with tears. Just for a moment, in the craziness of life while raising a toddler I had my moment, the one that ties you ever so closely to the one you've yet to meet.

27+4 Weeks

The beginning of the 3rd trimester, the last stretch (literally). I find myself looking for balance, as much as I'd like to lay down, there's a little toddler running around who needs me. This is the first time when I've had to say no to picking her up at times, and distract her with something else, or ask my husband to take her up the stairs. Guilt piles up and I find myself doing to much physically, leaving my belly tight and tired at the end of the day. Looking back on moments where my patience ran thin, and got the best of me. In my search for balance I've found myself growing as mother, while some days run smoothly, some days I still feel defeated.

The definition of being a "good" mom I've realized does not mean you take on anything and everything until you're rung dry at the end of the day, though sometimes that feeling is bound to happen. I've learned in order to be a good mom I have to grow and change the way I parent along with my expanding belly. I'm not only raising a child I am growing one too, and this little babe needs me to be gentle with myself.

It's funny, just when you think you nailed it, that you've got this parenting thing down, life reminds you that it truly is like a flowing river. It will not always run smooth, there will be rocks and rapids. In order not to drown, we must learn when and how to paddle, and when to lean back and look at the clouds.

Siblings

photo 2

photo 2

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. ~Clara Ortega

Since you came earth side it has been you, your papa, and I. Watching you grow these last 15 months has been an absolute joy. We've marveled at the little walking, talking, incredible toddler you've become. From the beginning we knew we wanted a large family, to watch our children laugh, play, and simply grow up together. Though I can't even imagine where the love will come from, since you've seeped into every crevice of my heart.

I know not every moment will be filled with smiles, there will be a fair share of tears and lessons in sharing, but the excitement of giving you a sibling outweighs my fear of the unknown. Imagining you giving your sweet baby brother or sister kisses, sharing secrets, and giggling into the night, makes my heart sing.

Until then, I'll cherish these last few months with you, my only, the one who made me a mother.

Love More

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The Love that we show others, is just as important as the love we show ourselves. If we are not gentle, kind, understanding, and patient with ourselves, eventually we will crumble under the weight of it all. In order to love fully and wholeheartedly, in order to be the light in someones darker days, you must first show love toward yourself. _DSC0245-Edit   It comes and goes in waves, the seasons of life, leaving memories in it’s wake, beautiful moments, and occasionally...some we’d rather not recall. _DSC0214-Edit   There was a time in my life where I was lost, buried beneath the earth, trudged deep in the forest of life. A time where I gave all my love away, hoping that one day maybe, just maybe, I would get a little back. I lost myself, I lost the vigor that I had for life, I had forgotten what love truly was. I gave myself, my time, my everything until I had nothing left. I’m a giver by nature, and it took me a very long time to realize that some peoples nature, is to take. I was left broken, without an ounce of love to show for my giving, I had failed myself. In those two short years I had forgotten what it was to truly live, you see without love you can’t feel the breeze, or the warmth of the sun on your skin, there is only pain. _DSC0484-Edit   With heavy feet and an even heavier heart, I began the slow walk towards the light, towards love. So it began, a building of myself, I had to learn how to be gentle with myself, to show myself grace, and patience. To forgive myself for the mistakes I’d made. I had to re-learn to love the skin I was in, the quirks of my personality, to trust myself, to trust my instincts, to trust in God, and to love myself just as I was. It was only then the cracks began to fade. Years went by, and the same love I showed myself, I once again was able to share with others, I had the strength to light my own path, and to be a healthy light for those that needed me. _DSC0356-Edit   In learning to love again, to truly love, to have respect for myself as well as others, I found it. That all consuming, down to the bone, every fiber of your being, love. That love that comes every blue moon, kissing your imperfections and taking you to a place you had only dreamed real. My heart had found it’s home in a man I had called my friend for eleven years of my short life. I stood in loves path whole, and the love we now share has changed my life forever. _DSC0324-Edit   True love travels full circle and back again, it fills you, heals you, changes you in the best ways possible. Through it, we created her, our daughter, love incarnate. photo 3 My wish, my hope in life, is to teach my children what love truly is. I want them to feel it, for themselves, for their faith, for the earth, and for others. I want them to know that they are truly loved.  

|This post was written for The Love More Shop series on loving more, do yourself a favor and check out what this amazing brand is doing to bring more love into this world HERE|

Fly

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photo 3 {Within all of us is a varying amount of space lint and star dust, the residue from our creation. Most are too busy to notice it, and it is stronger in some than others. It is strongest in those of us who fly and is responsible for an unconscious, subtle desire to slip into some wings and try for the elusive boundaries of our origin. ~K.O. Eckland, "Footprints On Clouds"}

Wild and free, days spent under the hot summer sun, with pillowcases for capes tied around our necks, and earth under our nails. Jumping from here to there, no voice in your head whispering that you've climbed to high. The ground seemingly lacking that pull that gravity has, our feet were free, and so were we.

Childhood, sticky and sweet, the days are long and the nights fleeting, every moment holds a lifetime.That time when even the stars were in reach.

Cultivating a meaningful child hood, one you can look back on with fondness, is the wish every parent has for their child. To witness the pureness that comes with every squeal of laughter as a mother tosses her child in the air.

That's what I live for.

26 weeks

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photo 2 My feet have officially disappeared, the waddle is in full force, rolling over in bed has turned into a contact sport, things that drop on the floor will probably stay there, my butt is as big as my belly (awkward), and I'm at that point where you think, "how can I get any bigger?" and then you do. On the plus side, the belly makes a fantastic table for my bowl of ice cream. Mmm ice cream...

carpe diem

photo 1

photo 1{In giving birth to our babies, we may find that we give birth to new possibilities within ourselves. ~Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn} I used to be shy, though if you ask other people they would probably say different. Mine was an inner shyness, there were things I wanted to do, spontaneous things, little things, but I would get in the way of my self. I'd end up harboring that feeling of disappointment, it would eat away at me like a nagging mosquito, why didn't I do "it," what was stopping me?

I believe giving birth gives you a second chance to do those things you've always wanted to do, no matter how small. The "what if's" in your life can be erased. How can I tell my children to soar, to run full out towards their dreams and ambitions if I can't even reach for the small things.

How can I teach my children that it's ok to be silly, and wildly spontaneous at times, if I don't first show them that it's ok? Like most people I avoid embarrassment at all costs. So today, while driving down a sleepy road with my family, staring at the golden light dancing across a field wishing I could run through it, if only for a moment. Just so I could feel the earth under my feet and soak up the last warmth of the setting sun. Hot with embarrassment, too nervous to ask my mom to pull over, I did.

Life is not a movie, perfectly scripted, decorated, and manicured to perfection...but life is also not a dress rehearsal. So seize the day and run through your field, wherever that may be.

I'll be here when you wake.

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Processed with VSCOcam with x1 preset {It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard}

Oh the places you'll go, the people you'll meet, the adventures you'll take, the love you'll share, the lives you'll touch. Your future, poised at your finger tips, brimming with possibilities.

Know this, from the moment I met you, so quiet and lovely, I knew I had gleamed a bit of heaven, that my life would forever truly be full. You are the adventure I didn't know existed, the trip of a lifetime, an experience like no other. You are the product of young love that traveled for eleven years in order to make it back to each other. My whole world, our love, wrapped up in the creases of your hands, in the dimple on your cheek, and in sparkles in your eyes. You have touched my life like only a child could, innocent and pure, you breathed life into these once stale lungs.

This is why, my dear, mothers stare at their children, this is why when you sleep, I sometimes can't bear to let you go.

A child to remind me.

photo

photo{A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. ~Isadora James} These last few days have been hard. I'm not the one to slow down, but oh how pregnancy reminded me that sometimes in order to grow this new baby, I need to sit my busy self down. So here I sit, with a cold that won't quit, my hairs a mess, my clothes...we won't go there, with a list of a million things I need to do before this bundle arrives swimming through my head. I've done nothing to prepare, by this time last pregnancy I had painted furniture, moved, put an entire nursery together, I probably had my hospital bag packed like a crazy lady, but then again that's how most first pregnancies go. Second pregnancies...not so much, can I get an extra month please?

As I sat, deep in my self loathing and feeling pretty sorry for myself, wondering how I'm going to do it all. This child, this wonderful little child of mine comes over, lifts up my shirt and exclaimed "Da Beeebee, muuh bebe!" In between rapid fire kisses (hence her blurry face). Reminding me yet again (because I apparently didn't remember the first time) that everything will fall into place, that everyone's fed and happy and right now that is enough.

 

why choose love?

image

image {Why choose love? Why choose patience? Why choose compassion? When life throws you so many opportunities to choose hate, anger, and jealousy.}

Today choose compassion, because even though someone may not show it to you, you just might be the compassionate light that someone desperately needed that day. The reminder that we are all in this together. That it's ok, that every day is not perfect. Who's to say you can't make the best out of the hand thats been dealt. Choose compassion because it's contagious, like laughter.

Today choose patience, not because it's easy, but because there are two little pairs of eyes looking up at you, searching for guidance.

Today choose love, because love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, rude or self seeking, it is not easily angered, and keeps no records of wrongs. Love never fails! It reminds each and every one of us that we are precious, it's like magic, it reaches into your soul and changes you in the most profound ways.

24+6 Weeks

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{24+6 Weeks}The gradual expansion of life, a widening of body, heart, and soul. Every space filled, buzzing with expectant life.

Entering the stage of pregnancy where sweet kicks have begun to take their toll on my already aching body. Sleep has become a game of Tetris, (where can I shove this pillow in order to make myself comfortable). Space is quickly fading, heartburn is seeping in, and Braxton hicks has reared it's ugly head.

In order to give life, we must expand... expand our lives, our patients, our hearts, and our time, not just our bodies. Though it's fitting our bodies must first expand, making way for the overwhelming amount of love and light that will simultaneously fill those once aching spaces when life arrives. A beautifully slow lesson in live and let be.

Confidence while pregnant

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Photo Aug 06, 9 29 45 PM 23+3 weeks {Let us make pregnancy an occasion when we appreciate our female bodies. ~Merete Leonhardt-Lupa}

I struggled with loving my body during my last pregnancy. I clearly remember staring at my expanding body in the mirror with tears in my eyes. The sad truth was most of my poor body image issues were projected onto me by other mamas who told me that I would never be the same again, and to say goodbye to the body I knew. Their horror stories and traumatic births left me terrified and depressed. I never embraced my new growing self fully. It wasn't until I gave birth to my daughter that I finally appreciated the truly miraculous feat my body had preformed. Staring down at the child I had a hand in creating and now nourished with my own body, was nothing short of a miracle, with her arrival came a confidence I had never known. I was determined to go through this pregnancy differently, to love myself no matter what, to embrace this special time in my life, because I want my daughter to always love herself, through every phase of life.

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