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20+4 Weeks

18 July, 2014 |

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"Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard." ~Anne Sexton

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The quiet love between you and I, what a feeling, to carry two hearts inside of you. No one knows you like I do, they don't hear the soft exchange of our beating hearts. Or feel the soft kicks and turns you make when I sing aloud, or when your Papa whispers to you. I never feel as connected to myself, to life, as when I'm carrying it. Carrying you makes my soul complete, it sings, illuminated, full of your spirit. I've never loved you more than I do now, until the moment your skin touches mine, bare on my chest, until then...

Love, Mama

The Letters

15 July, 2014 |

http://vimeo.com/100842619  

Find out  more & support The Letters HERE

xo,

Krystal


20 Weeks

15 July, 2014 |

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{~20 Weeks~ Words that are hard to find. The let down of raw emotion and fear making it's exit takes it's toll. I wasn't going to write this, I was going to let this fade away into memories unknown, because that's easier...but I won't, because someone might need these words.}

This week was one of the hardest tests of faith I've ever had. While staring at the babies heart for what seemed an unusual amount of time, my own heart sank, and fear crept in. When you imagine your child coming into this world it's always perfect, all you wish for is a healthy baby, but there it was, right in front of me, on a screen in plain black and white. I wanted to run, but I stayed steady, I wanted to cry, but I refused, I wanted to yell and ask why, but I just smiled at the sweet ultrasound tech as she left to grab the doctor. God doesn't give you more than you can handle...he doesn't right? I asked myself sitting there, just my sweet baby and I.

She returned with the doctor, my mother and my daughter in tow. If you know me, when faced with hardship I smile, while silently building a wall, not to close myself off, but to hold myself up, you see I'm too afraid to reach for outspread arms for fear of breaking down. Talk of Down's syndrome and heart problems, swirled the room, backgrounds and too much blood were taken. In silence, fear crept in, not for me, but for my child, because people can be cruel when they don't understand you. How would I do this? Where would the strength come from? How will I tell my husband who has already watched his own sister pass away from a neurological disorder.

I scoured the internet in secret, reading story after story of negative and positive outcomes, finding comfort in their words. Days passed, we filled them with joy and life carried on, as silent prayers were made, all while waiting for a phone call that finally came. I almost didn't hear her when she said that all the results came back negative, I had already settled in my mind that I would do whatever was needed in order to provide this child with the happiest life possible, no matter the result. I knew this child would be perfect, that I would learn from he or she, that I would be the best mother I could possibly be to both my children because that's what they need. Tears flowed and fear exited, and just like that everything was back to the way that it was.

The Letters - KICKSTARTER

15 July, 2014 |

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IG_KS  

The KICKSTARTER for The 'Letters' A Portrait of Motherhood is live for the next 30 days. I'm putting everything on the line and if I don't reach the goal within the time allotted, I won't receive a dime. It's really all or nothing and I believe that some things are worth the risk, that this project, this wonderful book written by YOU will be a success. So spread the word! Re-post until your hearts content, blog about it, and don't forget to use the hashtag #ISUPPORTTHELETTERS, you have a voice so let it be heard! Together we can make this book a reality, together we can support one another and break down the walls that divide us.

 

Much Love and Appreciation,

Krystal


The Best Gift of Life

15 July, 2014 | 1 Comment

Interview

Interview I had the honor of being Interviewed by @thebestgiftoflife along side so many inspiring Mamas. Check out their beautiful site over at www.thebestgiftoflife.com

 

xx,

Krystal

By Krystal Donovan on 2014-07-15

15 July, 2014 |

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"The hardest thing to accept as a parent is that you cannot apply the bandage before the bruise. ~Robert Brault"

The day is done, and this mama is spent. Elly fell today and busted her lip open, oh why didn't I install carpet? Who decided tile was a marvelous idea with a child learning how to walk? With a mouthful of blood and tears (mostly from me) later, I've realized that raising a toddler is hazardous. With walking and running comes bumps and bruises. I know this will be the first of many along the way, but oh, if I could take each and every one of them for her I would...But then what would be the lesson? How would she grow if I kept her in a bubble, safe where no harm could come to her? What kind of person would she become if I never had the chance to teach her how to get up, brush herself off, hold her head up, and try try again? Looking to the future I've realized that the hardest lesson for a parent to learn is Children need support and freedom. The realization that this is what children will always need can hit hard.


19 Weeks

15 July, 2014 |

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Processed with VSCOcam with a5 preset "Life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or to hatch. ~E.B. White"

Ten toes out, and ten toes in. One asleep, and one awake. Daydreaming of the day when the two shall meet. These are the moments I wish to keep.

the quiet light

29 June, 2014 |

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As I sat beneath the window letting the last bit of sunlight showered me with warmth, I watched you play , content with your toy and the silence. I sat there wondering how you would adjust to having a sibling, would you still be content and happy? Would you love each other? Would I be enough for the both of you? Or would you miss the time shared between just you and I.

As the light began to fade from our bedroom window my thoughts drifted away, while flutters from a love I had yet to meet gently moved beneath my hand. It was then that you crawled over to me and laid your head on my belly, resting your hand there too. It was as if you knew, in the smallness that is you, you knew. For almost ten whole minutes you sat there with me, listening, feeling, and loving whole heartedly your new sibling and I.

A peace washed over me, and I remembered that God has a perfect plan.

My fears and worries soothed, by a little girl I am so blessed to call my own.


An Honest Mama Moment

29 June, 2014 |

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Happiness is a choice, a choice made daily. A choice that is sometimes a hard one to make, when you're running on empty, your patience are thin, and the inside of your eyelids are foreign to you. When colds have taken over the house, and husbands are working late. When the days seem to blend one into the next, and it could be Saturday for all you know. When you can't help but wonder how other mamas do it, when they have twice as many kids as you, and twice as many trying moments.

Choosing happiness can be hard. Choosing to get out of the house and make that day, today, a better day, is a choice. To smile, to laugh, to see the beauty at the end of a storm, to be the light you're wishing would shine, choose happiness, because this is just a season, and it might be the sweetest one yet.

17 weeks

23 June, 2014 |

17weeks

17weeks •17 Weeks• {I think that carrying a baby inside you is like running as fast as you can. It feels like finally letting go and filling yourself up to the wildest limits. ~Author Unknown}

You're there, you are really there. Though I knew you were all along, your tiny heart beat and little bean of a body still engrained in my mind from weeks past. At times I would have to remind myself that I was indeed carrying life, another magical piece of your father and I to go wandering this world. I had to remind myself because in those early weeks you were like a breeze, comforting and soothing, though sometimes rarely noticed. You made it easy for me, and for that, I thank God.

Now I undoubtably know you're there, your gentle kicks and flips are so soothing and familiar, reminding me once again what a privilege it is to be a vessel for creation. I love you little one, and I don't even know your name.

Love, Mama


Then we were four

13 June, 2014 |

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_DSC0476-Edit Here is the reason why I've been a bad blogger. The first trimester tiredness is no joke!

I cannot tell you how absolutely thrilled I am to become a mother for the second time come early December. It's no secret that Motherhood is my absolute favorite thing....ever! Though I honestly never thought I would be here, married with a toddler that keeps me on my toes at all times and one sweet little bundle on the way. I though I would forever be a nomad going wherever my feet lead me. I never thought that I would be led through life by tiny little hands that I had a part in creating. Its the sweetest joy, and the biggest blessing.

Watching Elly's sweet babyness fade away as she starts walking and the rolls begin quietly disappearing, makes me a little teary eyed. As I watch my little girl, my first born, grow into the little person she's destine to become, I cant help but rejoice in the fact that she chose me to be her mother. Though she'll always be my  baby, I'm starting to miss those early morning infant stretches, first noises, and midnight feedings. She started weening herself a few months back, though she still nurses  on occasion, it has become far and few between, which makes my heart ache a little.

With Elly, pregnancy seemed to drag on an on and on... but this second time around, my goodness, where has the time gone? I blinked and I was 16 weeks pregnant. I need more time, time to prepare, time to digest the fact that all too soon we'll be a family of four, and I may never figure out how to get out of the house in under an hour, or ever. Time to figure out how I can possibly love a second as much as I love the first, or how I will ever take a nap again. Or how on earth you manage to go to the grocery store with two kids, what if they both want to get in the cart?? I know in time the knowledge will come, the  naps will return, and I will in fact figure out how to do all this. Right mamas?

For now, I'm going to enjoy every God given second of this pregnancy, this time where we are one in the same. This time where every flutter and every hiccup stops me in my tracks and makes me smile. This time where I lay awake at night wondering what you'll look like, or who you'll take after. Dreaming of you and your sister playing together, loving each other, something I never experienced as an only child. I cannot wait, our little Christmas baby, you are the sweetest gift.

xo,

Krystal

 

It's all peanut butter

09 June, 2014 |

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_DSC0281-Edit As an only child, my search for community started young. I can remember being alone as a child, wanting, craving, community. Someone to call on when friends let you down, someone to whisper my secrets to late at night.

For this reason I hold relationships with my friends extremely dear to my heart. Equally, the loss of friendships devastate me deeply, when they fade away until you no longer speak. When your paths drift so far apart that your lives are no longer shared, it saddens me.

Women, we are a difficult breed. We share such ties from just being, women, yet we are the most vicious to one another. Our words strike like vipers, our eyes can cut like knives. We are like two batteries laid next to each other at opposite ends, attracted and pulled.

Then we become mothers, and we are drawn to each other once again. Drawn to this community, that I know exists, that I know deep down to the core of me is needed in order to mother.

When I became a mother, I did so without sisters, or close friends who were mothers themselves. I did it alone, the only advice, strong arms and listening ears were those of my mother. I journeyed alone, in secret, wondering if this was normal, if the lack of sleep would end, if my body would be my own again. My mind raced with thoughts and questions that only other mothers could give the answers to.

Though I live in a city where there is no shortage of mothers, building friendships with them is another story.

Why is it when we go to the park, instead of talking to one another we get on our phones and ignore the presence of one another. Why is it that all I feel is the judgment of heavy eyes burning into me, critiquing what I'm wearing, what my child is wearing, what wrap I'm using, what stroller I'm pushing. Why when such amazing joy surrounds us, that of our children, do we fail to rejoice in it? Why when we see a mother whose face is full of old tears and no sleep do we ignore her, and not tell her that this too shall pass, that we've been there. That there is a light at the end, that we to are journeying along with her.

Silence, the deafening silence that wraps itself around too many mothers, crippling their day-to day. She masks it with a painted on smile, filling the spaces with talk of milestones and triumphs, careful not to mention that her head is barley above water. Postpartum depression, fear, doubts, the simple lack of support, that pushes her to the edge.

Some of us suffer in silence because we are to afraid to talk about the hard stuff, the dirty stuff, the stuff that motherhood is made of! We're afraid to just let it out because we can be vipers.

Let it end here.

Let us be the light for someone who is in the dark.

Let us talk about the hard stuff, and the messy stuff.

Let us support one another.

Let us cheer for the ones that are on top.

Let the ones on top be humble and reach out to the ones who are not.

Let the judgment end here.

Let the harsh words that come so easily become words of encouragement and love.

Let us journey together, side by side, shoulder to shoulder.

Whether you breastfeed, bottle feed, co-sleep, crib sleep, had a natural birth, love your epidural, push a stroller, wear your babies, whether you're a crunchy mama, or a smooth mama, who cares! It's all peanut butter at the end of the day.

We're all doing the best we can, all of us!

We need each other! We areall searching for community, and I know its there, just beneath the surface, the glitter, and perfectly cropped pictures.

 

Tiffany a mother I find so deeply inspirational said it well, "we women hold up half the sky!" so lets hold up each other shall we?

 

xo,

Krystal