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Journal

Siblings

04 September, 2014 |

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To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. ~Clara Ortega

Since you came earth side it has been you, your papa, and I. Watching you grow these last 15 months has been an absolute joy. We've marveled at the little walking, talking, incredible toddler you've become. From the beginning we knew we wanted a large family, to watch our children laugh, play, and simply grow up together. Though I can't even imagine where the love will come from, since you've seeped into every crevice of my heart.

I know not every moment will be filled with smiles, there will be a fair share of tears and lessons in sharing, but the excitement of giving you a sibling outweighs my fear of the unknown. Imagining you giving your sweet baby brother or sister kisses, sharing secrets, and giggling into the night, makes my heart sing.

Until then, I'll cherish these last few months with you, my only, the one who made me a mother.

Love More

04 September, 2014 |

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The Love that we show others, is just as important as the love we show ourselves. If we are not gentle, kind, understanding, and patient with ourselves, eventually we will crumble under the weight of it all. In order to love fully and wholeheartedly, in order to be the light in someones darker days, you must first show love toward yourself. _DSC0245-Edit   It comes and goes in waves, the seasons of life, leaving memories in it’s wake, beautiful moments, and occasionally...some we’d rather not recall. _DSC0214-Edit   There was a time in my life where I was lost, buried beneath the earth, trudged deep in the forest of life. A time where I gave all my love away, hoping that one day maybe, just maybe, I would get a little back. I lost myself, I lost the vigor that I had for life, I had forgotten what love truly was. I gave myself, my time, my everything until I had nothing left. I’m a giver by nature, and it took me a very long time to realize that some peoples nature, is to take. I was left broken, without an ounce of love to show for my giving, I had failed myself. In those two short years I had forgotten what it was to truly live, you see without love you can’t feel the breeze, or the warmth of the sun on your skin, there is only pain. _DSC0484-Edit   With heavy feet and an even heavier heart, I began the slow walk towards the light, towards love. So it began, a building of myself, I had to learn how to be gentle with myself, to show myself grace, and patience. To forgive myself for the mistakes I’d made. I had to re-learn to love the skin I was in, the quirks of my personality, to trust myself, to trust my instincts, to trust in God, and to love myself just as I was. It was only then the cracks began to fade. Years went by, and the same love I showed myself, I once again was able to share with others, I had the strength to light my own path, and to be a healthy light for those that needed me. _DSC0356-Edit   In learning to love again, to truly love, to have respect for myself as well as others, I found it. That all consuming, down to the bone, every fiber of your being, love. That love that comes every blue moon, kissing your imperfections and taking you to a place you had only dreamed real. My heart had found it’s home in a man I had called my friend for eleven years of my short life. I stood in loves path whole, and the love we now share has changed my life forever. _DSC0324-Edit   True love travels full circle and back again, it fills you, heals you, changes you in the best ways possible. Through it, we created her, our daughter, love incarnate. photo 3 My wish, my hope in life, is to teach my children what love truly is. I want them to feel it, for themselves, for their faith, for the earth, and for others. I want them to know that they are truly loved.  

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Fly

31 August, 2014 |

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photo 3 {Within all of us is a varying amount of space lint and star dust, the residue from our creation. Most are too busy to notice it, and it is stronger in some than others. It is strongest in those of us who fly and is responsible for an unconscious, subtle desire to slip into some wings and try for the elusive boundaries of our origin. ~K.O. Eckland, "Footprints On Clouds"}

Wild and free, days spent under the hot summer sun, with pillowcases for capes tied around our necks, and earth under our nails. Jumping from here to there, no voice in your head whispering that you've climbed to high. The ground seemingly lacking that pull that gravity has, our feet were free, and so were we.

Childhood, sticky and sweet, the days are long and the nights fleeting, every moment holds a lifetime.That time when even the stars were in reach.

Cultivating a meaningful child hood, one you can look back on with fondness, is the wish every parent has for their child. To witness the pureness that comes with every squeal of laughter as a mother tosses her child in the air.

That's what I live for.

26 weeks

31 August, 2014 |

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photo 2 My feet have officially disappeared, the waddle is in full force, rolling over in bed has turned into a contact sport, things that drop on the floor will probably stay there, my butt is as big as my belly (awkward), and I'm at that point where you think, "how can I get any bigger?" and then you do. On the plus side, the belly makes a fantastic table for my bowl of ice cream. Mmm ice cream...


carpe diem

31 August, 2014 |

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photo 1{In giving birth to our babies, we may find that we give birth to new possibilities within ourselves. ~Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn} I used to be shy, though if you ask other people they would probably say different. Mine was an inner shyness, there were things I wanted to do, spontaneous things, little things, but I would get in the way of my self. I'd end up harboring that feeling of disappointment, it would eat away at me like a nagging mosquito, why didn't I do "it," what was stopping me?

I believe giving birth gives you a second chance to do those things you've always wanted to do, no matter how small. The "what if's" in your life can be erased. How can I tell my children to soar, to run full out towards their dreams and ambitions if I can't even reach for the small things.

How can I teach my children that it's ok to be silly, and wildly spontaneous at times, if I don't first show them that it's ok? Like most people I avoid embarrassment at all costs. So today, while driving down a sleepy road with my family, staring at the golden light dancing across a field wishing I could run through it, if only for a moment. Just so I could feel the earth under my feet and soak up the last warmth of the setting sun. Hot with embarrassment, too nervous to ask my mom to pull over, I did.

Life is not a movie, perfectly scripted, decorated, and manicured to perfection...but life is also not a dress rehearsal. So seize the day and run through your field, wherever that may be.

I'll be here when you wake.

22 August, 2014 |

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Processed with VSCOcam with x1 preset {It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard}

Oh the places you'll go, the people you'll meet, the adventures you'll take, the love you'll share, the lives you'll touch. Your future, poised at your finger tips, brimming with possibilities.

Know this, from the moment I met you, so quiet and lovely, I knew I had gleamed a bit of heaven, that my life would forever truly be full. You are the adventure I didn't know existed, the trip of a lifetime, an experience like no other. You are the product of young love that traveled for eleven years in order to make it back to each other. My whole world, our love, wrapped up in the creases of your hands, in the dimple on your cheek, and in sparkles in your eyes. You have touched my life like only a child could, innocent and pure, you breathed life into these once stale lungs.

This is why, my dear, mothers stare at their children, this is why when you sleep, I sometimes can't bear to let you go.


A child to remind me.

20 August, 2014 |

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photo{A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. ~Isadora James} These last few days have been hard. I'm not the one to slow down, but oh how pregnancy reminded me that sometimes in order to grow this new baby, I need to sit my busy self down. So here I sit, with a cold that won't quit, my hairs a mess, my clothes...we won't go there, with a list of a million things I need to do before this bundle arrives swimming through my head. I've done nothing to prepare, by this time last pregnancy I had painted furniture, moved, put an entire nursery together, I probably had my hospital bag packed like a crazy lady, but then again that's how most first pregnancies go. Second pregnancies...not so much, can I get an extra month please?

As I sat, deep in my self loathing and feeling pretty sorry for myself, wondering how I'm going to do it all. This child, this wonderful little child of mine comes over, lifts up my shirt and exclaimed "Da Beeebee, muuh bebe!" In between rapid fire kisses (hence her blurry face). Reminding me yet again (because I apparently didn't remember the first time) that everything will fall into place, that everyone's fed and happy and right now that is enough.

 

why choose love?

18 August, 2014 |

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image {Why choose love? Why choose patience? Why choose compassion? When life throws you so many opportunities to choose hate, anger, and jealousy.}

Today choose compassion, because even though someone may not show it to you, you just might be the compassionate light that someone desperately needed that day. The reminder that we are all in this together. That it's ok, that every day is not perfect. Who's to say you can't make the best out of the hand thats been dealt. Choose compassion because it's contagious, like laughter.

Today choose patience, not because it's easy, but because there are two little pairs of eyes looking up at you, searching for guidance.

Today choose love, because love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, rude or self seeking, it is not easily angered, and keeps no records of wrongs. Love never fails! It reminds each and every one of us that we are precious, it's like magic, it reaches into your soul and changes you in the most profound ways.


24+6 Weeks

16 August, 2014 |

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{24+6 Weeks}The gradual expansion of life, a widening of body, heart, and soul. Every space filled, buzzing with expectant life.

Entering the stage of pregnancy where sweet kicks have begun to take their toll on my already aching body. Sleep has become a game of Tetris, (where can I shove this pillow in order to make myself comfortable). Space is quickly fading, heartburn is seeping in, and Braxton hicks has reared it's ugly head.

In order to give life, we must expand... expand our lives, our patients, our hearts, and our time, not just our bodies. Though it's fitting our bodies must first expand, making way for the overwhelming amount of love and light that will simultaneously fill those once aching spaces when life arrives. A beautifully slow lesson in live and let be.

Confidence while pregnant

13 August, 2014 |

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Photo Aug 06, 9 29 45 PM 23+3 weeks {Let us make pregnancy an occasion when we appreciate our female bodies. ~Merete Leonhardt-Lupa}

I struggled with loving my body during my last pregnancy. I clearly remember staring at my expanding body in the mirror with tears in my eyes. The sad truth was most of my poor body image issues were projected onto me by other mamas who told me that I would never be the same again, and to say goodbye to the body I knew. Their horror stories and traumatic births left me terrified and depressed. I never embraced my new growing self fully. It wasn't until I gave birth to my daughter that I finally appreciated the truly miraculous feat my body had preformed. Staring down at the child I had a hand in creating and now nourished with my own body, was nothing short of a miracle, with her arrival came a confidence I had never known. I was determined to go through this pregnancy differently, to love myself no matter what, to embrace this special time in my life, because I want my daughter to always love herself, through every phase of life.


23 Weeks

13 August, 2014 |

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Photo Aug 05, 9 20 55 PM {23+1 weeks • & A Babymoon} Escaping to an Island is nothing new for me, though it's usually to Tortola where my father grew up, and where family surrounds me. Instead we decided to go somewhere new, since bringing another child into this world will be entirely something new. The beauty here is breathtaking, and watching my little family enjoy it makes it all the more sweet.I've found a strength within myself here that I never found while pregnant with Elly.

They say with age comes wisdom, and though I find that to be true, I've found wisdom in carrying a child, a comfort in my own growing skin, and a new found respect for what my body can do. On an Island, with mountains at your back and water on all sides, your choices are limited, as with giving birth. Not pushing is not an option, pain is inevitable, the unknown just beyond the horizon.

Being here has let me face real fears I have about giving birth this time around, maybe it's because I know the waves (who am I kidding) wall of sheer pain I must face again, maybe it's because I've done it before, maybe it's because I had a successful and beautiful birth... Or maybe it's because both of my grandmothers died birthing their children. Placing these fears in Gods loving hands is all I can do, trusting the process and my body is all I can do.

 

29/52

13 August, 2014 |

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Photo Aug 02, 6 12 55 PM

“A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014″

Sometimes I just stare at her and think...I can't believe I made a person.