To recognize the good that surrounds me, and that the life I carry, no matter how hard it is at times, is a precious gift from God.

In the end, I will follow you, I will take my time, breath, and ease you into this world. A birth of the soul heart and mind. In the end, we'll gaze at one another, I'll know you, and you will know me...I'm your mama, and you are mine forever.

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{With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood. ~Isadora Duncan} And so the hard part begins. I was hoping to skip this part, since the rest of my pregnancy has been a cool breeze, compared to when I carried Elly, but here I am. Prodromal labor/irritable uterus, call it what you may, ten weeks of REAL contractions will test the will power of any mother. When I carried Elly, I thought my body was failing me, I cursed those last weeks, praying, wishing it would all just be over. This is where pregnancy became work, this is where I wanted to quit, this is where I question my ability as a women to carry life.

I know now that it's just me, it's the way I carry my children into this world. So here we go, I have to believe it'll be easier this time around, for my sanity, for my peace of mind. I know the reward that waits for me at the end of this and for you my sweet child I would pay any price.

{To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes}

Forgiveness is not only something we should show others, we must also learn how to forgive ourselves. Just as He has forgiven us, time and time again. Motherhood, parenthood for that matter, with all it's blessings will test the very fibers of your being. It can unravel you like thread on a spool, and bring you to your breaking point.

We all have moments where we fail, or rather flail at parenting, moments where we'd like to lock ourselves in a closet and just cry by ourselves for a moment. Some days I lay in bed thinking, "man, I rocked this parenting thing today!" While others I lay defeated, desperately attempting to get a rambunctious toddler to sleep, watching as the minutes and hours tic away, dreading the rising sun.

Dawn, it brings with it new beginnings, a fresh start, a new day, a chance to rock the heck out of this parenting gig. Forgive yourself for yesterday, because well, today is a blessing, it's brand new day

Remembering the gentle newness of a newborn, the way their toes curl wildly, the way they tuck their legs so closely to themselves, the way they smell of sweet sweet milk, and the delicious tiny sounds they make. Was it so long ago that I first held my daughter in my arms? Reveling in all that was her, all that was me, and all that was my husband. Was it so long ago that I was afraid to change her clothes for fear of making her the slightest bit uncomfortable? Was it so long ago that I held the world, and thought that it couldn't get any better than this? Fond memories surrounding me like mist, preparing me once again for new life.

Life, flying past me at a blistering pace, hardly giving me a moments pause to daydream of what's to come, or to prepare fully for life again with a newborn. This is not my first, there is no massive buying spree, no classes to take, no furniture to paint, only the unwrapping of bassinets, and baby swings. So when these precious little things arrived today and that same giddy, nervous, excited feeling came flooding back I took pause. With them came thoughts of who this little person growing inside me will be, thoughts of love and labor, tears and joy. Images of placing these tiny booties on even tinier feet for the first time, caused my heart to swell and my eyes to fill with tears. Just for a moment, in the craziness of life while raising a toddler I had my moment, the one that ties you ever so closely to the one you've yet to meet.

The beginning of the 3rd trimester, the last stretch (literally). I find myself looking for balance, as much as I'd like to lay down, there's a little toddler running around who needs me. This is the first time when I've had to say no to picking her up at times, and distract her with something else, or ask my husband to take her up the stairs. Guilt piles up and I find myself doing to much physically, leaving my belly tight and tired at the end of the day. Looking back on moments where my patience ran thin, and got the best of me. In my search for balance I've found myself growing as mother, while some days run smoothly, some days I still feel defeated.

The definition of being a "good" mom I've realized does not mean you take on anything and everything until you're rung dry at the end of the day, though sometimes that feeling is bound to happen. I've learned in order to be a good mom I have to grow and change the way I parent along with my expanding belly. I'm not only raising a child I am growing one too, and this little babe needs me to be gentle with myself.

It's funny, just when you think you nailed it, that you've got this parenting thing down, life reminds you that it truly is like a flowing river. It will not always run smooth, there will be rocks and rapids. In order not to drown, we must learn when and how to paddle, and when to lean back and look at the clouds.

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To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. ~Clara Ortega

Since you came earth side it has been you, your papa, and I. Watching you grow these last 15 months has been an absolute joy. We've marveled at the little walking, talking, incredible toddler you've become. From the beginning we knew we wanted a large family, to watch our children laugh, play, and simply grow up together. Though I can't even imagine where the love will come from, since you've seeped into every crevice of my heart.

I know not every moment will be filled with smiles, there will be a fair share of tears and lessons in sharing, but the excitement of giving you a sibling outweighs my fear of the unknown. Imagining you giving your sweet baby brother or sister kisses, sharing secrets, and giggling into the night, makes my heart sing.

Until then, I'll cherish these last few months with you, my only, the one who made me a mother.

The Love that we show others, is just as important as the love we show ourselves. If we are not gentle, kind, understanding, and patient with ourselves, eventually we will crumble under the weight of it all. In order to love fully and wholeheartedly, in order to be the light in someones darker days, you must first show love toward yourself.   It comes and goes in waves, the seasons of life, leaving memories in it’s wake, beautiful moments, and occasionally...some we’d rather not recall.   There was a time in my life where I was lost, buried beneath the earth, trudged deep in the forest of life. A time where I gave all my love away, hoping that one day maybe, just maybe, I would get a little back. I lost myself, I lost the vigor that I had for life, I had forgotten what love truly was. I gave myself, my time, my everything until I had nothing left. I’m a giver by nature, and it took me a very long time to realize that some peoples nature, is to take. I was left broken, without an ounce of love to show for my giving, I had failed myself. In those two short years I had forgotten what it was to truly live, you see without love you can’t feel the breeze, or the warmth of the sun on your skin, there is only pain.   With heavy feet and an even heavier heart, I began the slow walk towards the light, towards love. So it began, a building of myself, I had to learn how to be gentle with myself, to show myself grace, and patience. To forgive myself for the mistakes I’d made. I had to re-learn to love the skin I was in, the quirks of my personality, to trust myself, to trust my instincts, to trust in God, and to love myself just as I was. It was only then the cracks began to fade. Years went by, and the same love I showed myself, I once again was able to share with others, I had the strength to light my own path, and to be a healthy light for those that needed me.   In learning to love again, to truly love, to have respect for myself as well as others, I found it. That all consuming, down to the bone, every fiber of your being, love. That love that comes every blue moon, kissing your imperfections and taking you to a place you had only dreamed real. My heart had found it’s home in a man I had called my friend for eleven years of my short life. I stood in loves path whole, and the love we now share has changed my life forever.   True love travels full circle and back again, it fills you, heals you, changes you in the best ways possible. Through it, we created her, our daughter, love incarnate. My wish, my hope in life, is to teach my children what love truly is. I want them to feel it, for themselves, for their faith, for the earth, and for others. I want them to know that they are truly loved.  

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My feet have officially disappeared, the waddle is in full force, rolling over in bed has turned into a contact sport, things that drop on the floor will probably stay there, my butt is as big as my belly (awkward), and I'm at that point where you think, "how can I get any bigger?" and then you do. On the plus side, the belly makes a fantastic table for my bowl of ice cream. Mmm ice cream...

{In giving birth to our babies, we may find that we give birth to new possibilities within ourselves. ~Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn} I used to be shy, though if you ask other people they would probably say different. Mine was an inner shyness, there were things I wanted to do, spontaneous things, little things, but I would get in the way of my self. I'd end up harboring that feeling of disappointment, it would eat away at me like a nagging mosquito, why didn't I do "it," what was stopping me?

I believe giving birth gives you a second chance to do those things you've always wanted to do, no matter how small. The "what if's" in your life can be erased. How can I tell my children to soar, to run full out towards their dreams and ambitions if I can't even reach for the small things.

How can I teach my children that it's ok to be silly, and wildly spontaneous at times, if I don't first show them that it's ok? Like most people I avoid embarrassment at all costs. So today, while driving down a sleepy road with my family, staring at the golden light dancing across a field wishing I could run through it, if only for a moment. Just so I could feel the earth under my feet and soak up the last warmth of the setting sun. Hot with embarrassment, too nervous to ask my mom to pull over, I did.

Life is not a movie, perfectly scripted, decorated, and manicured to perfection...but life is also not a dress rehearsal. So seize the day and run through your field, wherever that may be.

{A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. ~Isadora James} These last few days have been hard. I'm not the one to slow down, but oh how pregnancy reminded me that sometimes in order to grow this new baby, I need to sit my busy self down. So here I sit, with a cold that won't quit, my hairs a mess, my clothes...we won't go there, with a list of a million things I need to do before this bundle arrives swimming through my head. I've done nothing to prepare, by this time last pregnancy I had painted furniture, moved, put an entire nursery together, I probably had my hospital bag packed like a crazy lady, but then again that's how most first pregnancies go. Second pregnancies...not so much, can I get an extra month please?

As I sat, deep in my self loathing and feeling pretty sorry for myself, wondering how I'm going to do it all. This child, this wonderful little child of mine comes over, lifts up my shirt and exclaimed "Da Beeebee, muuh bebe!" In between rapid fire kisses (hence her blurry face). Reminding me yet again (because I apparently didn't remember the first time) that everything will fall into place, that everyone's fed and happy and right now that is enough.

{24+6 Weeks}The gradual expansion of life, a widening of body, heart, and soul. Every space filled, buzzing with expectant life.

Entering the stage of pregnancy where sweet kicks have begun to take their toll on my already aching body. Sleep has become a game of Tetris, (where can I shove this pillow in order to make myself comfortable). Space is quickly fading, heartburn is seeping in, and Braxton hicks has reared it's ugly head.

In order to give life, we must expand... expand our lives, our patients, our hearts, and our time, not just our bodies. Though it's fitting our bodies must first expand, making way for the overwhelming amount of love and light that will simultaneously fill those once aching spaces when life arrives. A beautifully slow lesson in live and let be.

23+3 weeks {Let us make pregnancy an occasion when we appreciate our female bodies. ~Merete Leonhardt-Lupa}

I struggled with loving my body during my last pregnancy. I clearly remember staring at my expanding body in the mirror with tears in my eyes. The sad truth was most of my poor body image issues were projected onto me by other mamas who told me that I would never be the same again, and to say goodbye to the body I knew. Their horror stories and traumatic births left me terrified and depressed. I never embraced my new growing self fully. It wasn't until I gave birth to my daughter that I finally appreciated the truly miraculous feat my body had preformed. Staring down at the child I had a hand in creating and now nourished with my own body, was nothing short of a miracle, with her arrival came a confidence I had never known. I was determined to go through this pregnancy differently, to love myself no matter what, to embrace this special time in my life, because I want my daughter to always love herself, through every phase of life.

{23+1 weeks • & A Babymoon} Escaping to an Island is nothing new for me, though it's usually to Tortola where my father grew up, and where family surrounds me. Instead we decided to go somewhere new, since bringing another child into this world will be entirely something new. The beauty here is breathtaking, and watching my little family enjoy it makes it all the more sweet.I've found a strength within myself here that I never found while pregnant with Elly.

They say with age comes wisdom, and though I find that to be true, I've found wisdom in carrying a child, a comfort in my own growing skin, and a new found respect for what my body can do. On an Island, with mountains at your back and water on all sides, your choices are limited, as with giving birth. Not pushing is not an option, pain is inevitable, the unknown just beyond the horizon.

Being here has let me face real fears I have about giving birth this time around, maybe it's because I know the waves (who am I kidding) wall of sheer pain I must face again, maybe it's because I've done it before, maybe it's because I had a successful and beautiful birth... Or maybe it's because both of my grandmothers died birthing their children. Placing these fears in Gods loving hands is all I can do, trusting the process and my body is all I can do.

{22+3 Weeks • Rooted} I've grown roots, not physical roots of course, but a rootedness to the earth, to myself, and to my unborn child. It happened unknowingly during my last pregnancy I'm sure, but I was too busy preparing in every way imaginable that I clearly must have missed it. Early pregnancy for me is like a freshly potted plant, roots frayed and wild, reaching out for soil that is unsteady and loose, instead I reach for the closeness of others, mostly my husband. He could not come home from work soon enough, I followed him around like a lost puppy needing attention. Any room he was in I had to be, I'm sure it drove him nuts though I'll never know it, because he was there with arms wide open.

Then just like that, my roots finally take hold, grounding me, and I crave space and solitude. Every step I take leaves behind a tangible warmth, proof of my existence. I find comfort in the quiet of being alone, most evenings spent sitting on the porch as the last rays of light flee, peacefully greeting the night, while I thankfully reminisce about the day, and contemplate the future. All the while joyfully aware of the tiny being resting just beneath my skin. For me, a person who has searched all their life for this indescribable feeling, on top of mountains, down rivers, off the beaten path, and to finally find 'it' within myself, is the greatest blessing I could have ever hoped for.

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{The night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand. ~Frederick L. Knowles} 21+6 weeks • Tangled beneath all this life, I never thought I'd be as blessed as this. Love, seeping out of every corner. Every kiss, every laugh, every silly grin, reminding why I press on through achey limbs and tired eyes. The magic of two lovers, so tangible and real.

{Pregnant women! They had that weird frisson, an aura of magic that combined awkwardly with an earthy sense of duty. Mundane, because they were nothing unique on the suburban streets; ethereal because their attention was ever somewhere else, and they had that preciousness which they imposed wherever they went, compelling attention, constantly reminding you that they carried the future inside, its contours already drawn, but veiled, private, an inner secret. ~Ruth Morgan} 21+4 weeks • That strange feeling of distance, from anything and everything around me that pregnancy sometimes brings. Moments feel like a lifetime, tears flow freely, and emotions are worn on your sleeve. A precious time when you are totally woman...mother.

{21 weeks, To be pregnant is to be vitally alive, thoroughly woman, and distressingly inhabited. Soul and spirit are stretched - along with body - making pregnancy a time of transition, growth, and profound beginnings. ~Anne Christian Buchanan} Starting to come into the fullness of pregnancy. My feet are slowly disappearing, sandals are getting harder to buckle, and so are pants. What once were slight flutters and taps have become stronger kicks and rolls. I cannot believe the speed at which the weeks are flying by, bringing me closer and closer to meeting my sweet babe. Bonus* I've started quite the love affair with chocolate covered honeycomb, maybe that's why I can no longer button my pants...