...I'm in it, I mean really in it, this season of life is crazy, and part of me wants to skip it sometimes, but this is it! These are the days, aren't they? The ones that we'll talk about in our clean quiet home, with crisp sheets, and freshly shampooed hair as we wish for one more night; just one more night to hear the sound of little footsteps coming down the hall, and tiny warm bodies jammed between us in our laundry filled bed.
This child threw the widows to my life wide open, letting the most magnificent light come crashing in, to her I will always be grateful.
I don't know where the time has gone, but it has taken with it the remnants of new life. So I'll store moments like these away in my memory, for the time when she goes to school for the first time, or drives her first car, or has a heart old enough to be broken, or moves away, or for when she bares babies of her own.
Never have I dreamed so big.
Never have I loved so hard.
Never have I been so loved.
Never has my heart been so full.
Never has my heart been split amongst souls.
Never has my life had so much meaning
My hope? That leading by example will give my girls a drive. I want them to know that they CAN do anything they set their mind to, that they have a choice in this world. Whatever it is, whatever their dream, do it, and do it well!
When I'm not looking she grows, did you see it?! I know it's happening, because every morning I look over and there's a new chubby roll, and an extra inch added to my smiling baby.
A mountain of firsts, mixed with the sorrow of knowing that they will never happen again brings a smile to my face. Time ticks away and their breathing gets heavy as they drift into their dreams...suddenly I realize that 'these are the days.'
Writing through tears because in order to heal you must release, in order to mend you must forgive, in order to live you must place one foot in front of the other, hug your children and smile. The road to healing is long, and though the fear does not consume my thoughts, it's there, under the surface.
In a moment, in a breath, sweet newness lay on my chest. Eyes wide, in awe at what had taken place. No build-up, just this, no time to think, just her.
If someone would have told me this type of love existed, I would have laughed, how could that be? Impossible. Impossible is a mothers love, because it can't be measured, only understood by the gentle smiles and nods of another mother.
I can only be thankful that tomorrow's another day, and that morning light brings with it a chance to make that day a better one...oh Lord let tomorrow be better, I don't have enough ice cream.
"Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour." Ovid
I want to feel it all, every emotion, every pain, every turn, and every whisper, as the last weeks shared with another come to a close. Leaves relinquish their grasp, leaving the trees bare, as the color fades from the horizon, bringing with it a promise of new life, wrapped in the magnificent gift of winter.
"There is a wisdom in the body that is older and more reliable than clocks and calendars. ~John Harold Johnson"
"Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. ~Erma Bombeck"
I look to the future, imagining both of my children playing together, growing together, loving each other and fighting with each other as only siblings do, and I can't help but smile despite the pain. The gift of a sibling, a gift I've always wanted to receive, I now have the privilege of giving.
I get it now...why I don't remember my mother sick or tired growing up. The sacrifices you make for your children's happiness are limitless, they have no bounds.
She loves like no other, if she hasn't seen you in a while she'll hug you for minutes, stroking the back of your neck, making you believe for certain that your are her everything.
Dear Baby Bear,
This has fast become my favorite time of night, just me and you (well your dad's next to me snoring away). Maybe it's the quietness of the night, or maybe it's because I'm laying still and not gently rocking you as I go through the day, sometimes almost forgetting you're there...but only just for a moment. This is my favorite time when it's just me and you and your tiny kicks reminding me that you're there just beneath my skin. I relish each and every one of your lovely movements and cannot WAIT to kiss those precious toes, hands, cheeks, and all those other deliciously wonderful baby parts. You are the most amazing gift and I love you so.
Love, Mama Bear <3
With a baby bear on the way, I can't help but do a little wishful shopping for the wee one (a girl can dream). I mean how CUTE is that ride along cow! After looking at massive amounts of baby stuff online, I realized that I don't want our house looking like Disneyland threw up all over the place. Call me crazy but having a baby does not mean that we have to give up on style...right?